The Good, The Bad, and The Bald
by Joe Acton
I started growing through
my hair when I was... none of your business. You see, I've got this theory that nobody actually goes
bald, they just grow too tall for their hairline — kind of like the tree-line
on a mountain. It's the same basic
theory I have about being chubby — nobody's fat, they're just too short for
their weight. As soon as somebody
comes up with a pill to make us grow taller, all the diet companies will go out
of business. Course there's going
to be a lot of tall people in America.
Very tall.
I've given a lot of scientific and theological thought about it and have come to the conclusion that being bald is The Natural Way.
Scientifically, we're all born without hair. Ergo baldness is The Natural Way for mankind. It's only when we poison our Body Temples with preservative laden foods that we start the unnatural process of growing hair. And the hair that grows is probably our body's way eliminating all those poisons.
If hair weren't made up of all these poisons, why do you suppose barbers throw it away after they cut it off? Barbers are, after all, The Smartest People on Earth — everyone knows that. They can talk to you about any subject and know the sports statistics of every player of every major sport. Smart people. And they throw hair away.
So there you have it — scientific evidence along with a social behavioral pattern proving hair is unnatural. (I just re-read this column and think this is a great new theory for the LaRouches at the airport. You know, the guys carrying signs that say "Nuclear power plants are built better than Jane Fonda." Since these guys have obviously never seen either side-by-side maybe they'd buy into my theory. Next time you're at the airport look for their new signs, "Trilateral Commission supports mandatory baldness.").
Theologically I was onto bald as a kid. I was about four years old and sitting in Sunday school class. We'd just gotten to the part where God created man in his own image. I looked up and noticed that our teacher was bald but the minister, who was sitting in that day, was not.
I panicked. It was clear to me that if God created man in his own image, one of these two guys didn't belong here. And since I didn't know if God was bald or not, I figured there was a 50-50 chance one of these guys had a lot of explaining to do.
When you're four years old there's not a lot logic or theory that works on you. When you're four you only want answers. They don't have to be particularly well-reasoned answers, but they have to come fairly quickly. They finally settled on the old stand-by, "The Lord works in strange and mysterious ways."
But, now that I'm all grown up, and bald, and can reason for myself, I know that God made us in his own image. I also know that he's bald, and if you're not, you're in a lot of trouble. Don't ask me about women going bald, that's a can of worms neither the minister or the Deacon would touch with a ten-foot comb.
Anyway, one of the best things about being bald are the "myths." Probably the oldest "myth" about baldness is that bald men are more virile. Well, that's a scientific fact with which there can be no real argument — though I've always found it somewhat disquieting that you never heard anybody but bald guys say it. Oh well, apparently only we know the truth.
AND – and – here's a tid-bit not worth knowing: Aristole and Hippocrates noted that eunuchs didn't go bald. Now I don't know or pretend to suggest what that means about guys with hair, but it does make me proud to be bald. And I think that's why most of us that are bald don't wear hats. Can't hurt to advertise.
Another "myth" is that bald guys are smarter. Well of course, this is true. I don't think anyone really questions that. Part of the reason you go bald is because there is so much brain-wave activity the excited molecules causes an increase in the scalp temperature that kills the hair.
It's the difference between boiling water and freezing water. Bald men's minds are like boiling water, lots of activity. But at the other end of the spectrum is frozen water and the hairy head.
Many bald guys are so smart they can't help playing tricks on the ordinary people around them. Just to prove they can fool an entire town, a lot of these mischievous rascals will hide their baldness by combing their hair in a sweep from the back or side of their head. Then they hold it in place with a can of hair spray.
And the remarkable thing about it is that no one can ever tell they've done it. You've probably seen these playful characters but never even suspected they were bald. Right?
But being smart and virile doesn't make life any easier, you understand. We're misunderstood. People are in awe of us. Particularly women. But we're often in the same category as the beautiful cheerleader that no one asks out because they're sure she'll say "no."
That's probably why you never hear a gorgeous woman say she wants to run her fingers across a nice bald head.
That's probably why the car salesman never tells you that if you buy the convertible you can enjoy the excitement of the wind blowing across your scalp. And that's probably why they really don't know what to do with you when you go to get your hair cut.
You see there's two places men go to get their hair cut. To an old-fashioned barber shop, in which case you will come out looking bald no matter how you looked going in, or at a hair salon, in which case it doesn't matter how you look when you come out, you're going to be broke.
The funny thing about hair salons is that if you are bald, it costs just as much to get your hair cut as if you go in looking like Tom Jones. Which leads me to believe that either I'm paying to much or everybody else is getting a good deal.
So what brings all this up? Last week my wife announces at dinner that she and our daughter were going to get their hair cut.
"Maybe I should get mine cut too," I said, "it's been a while."
To which my daughter replied, "Naw, save your money for something you need, Dad, you ain't got enough hair to get cut."
If I let her live, she'll be 14 in May. And in only two years after that she'll get her allowance back and be off restriction.
Sometimes it goes on like this for days and days. And then it gets worse.
I've given a lot of scientific and theological thought about it and have come to the conclusion that being bald is The Natural Way.
Scientifically, we're all born without hair. Ergo baldness is The Natural Way for mankind. It's only when we poison our Body Temples with preservative laden foods that we start the unnatural process of growing hair. And the hair that grows is probably our body's way eliminating all those poisons.
If hair weren't made up of all these poisons, why do you suppose barbers throw it away after they cut it off? Barbers are, after all, The Smartest People on Earth — everyone knows that. They can talk to you about any subject and know the sports statistics of every player of every major sport. Smart people. And they throw hair away.
So there you have it — scientific evidence along with a social behavioral pattern proving hair is unnatural. (I just re-read this column and think this is a great new theory for the LaRouches at the airport. You know, the guys carrying signs that say "Nuclear power plants are built better than Jane Fonda." Since these guys have obviously never seen either side-by-side maybe they'd buy into my theory. Next time you're at the airport look for their new signs, "Trilateral Commission supports mandatory baldness.").
Theologically I was onto bald as a kid. I was about four years old and sitting in Sunday school class. We'd just gotten to the part where God created man in his own image. I looked up and noticed that our teacher was bald but the minister, who was sitting in that day, was not.
I panicked. It was clear to me that if God created man in his own image, one of these two guys didn't belong here. And since I didn't know if God was bald or not, I figured there was a 50-50 chance one of these guys had a lot of explaining to do.
When you're four years old there's not a lot logic or theory that works on you. When you're four you only want answers. They don't have to be particularly well-reasoned answers, but they have to come fairly quickly. They finally settled on the old stand-by, "The Lord works in strange and mysterious ways."
But, now that I'm all grown up, and bald, and can reason for myself, I know that God made us in his own image. I also know that he's bald, and if you're not, you're in a lot of trouble. Don't ask me about women going bald, that's a can of worms neither the minister or the Deacon would touch with a ten-foot comb.
Anyway, one of the best things about being bald are the "myths." Probably the oldest "myth" about baldness is that bald men are more virile. Well, that's a scientific fact with which there can be no real argument — though I've always found it somewhat disquieting that you never heard anybody but bald guys say it. Oh well, apparently only we know the truth.
AND – and – here's a tid-bit not worth knowing: Aristole and Hippocrates noted that eunuchs didn't go bald. Now I don't know or pretend to suggest what that means about guys with hair, but it does make me proud to be bald. And I think that's why most of us that are bald don't wear hats. Can't hurt to advertise.
Another "myth" is that bald guys are smarter. Well of course, this is true. I don't think anyone really questions that. Part of the reason you go bald is because there is so much brain-wave activity the excited molecules causes an increase in the scalp temperature that kills the hair.
It's the difference between boiling water and freezing water. Bald men's minds are like boiling water, lots of activity. But at the other end of the spectrum is frozen water and the hairy head.
Many bald guys are so smart they can't help playing tricks on the ordinary people around them. Just to prove they can fool an entire town, a lot of these mischievous rascals will hide their baldness by combing their hair in a sweep from the back or side of their head. Then they hold it in place with a can of hair spray.
And the remarkable thing about it is that no one can ever tell they've done it. You've probably seen these playful characters but never even suspected they were bald. Right?
But being smart and virile doesn't make life any easier, you understand. We're misunderstood. People are in awe of us. Particularly women. But we're often in the same category as the beautiful cheerleader that no one asks out because they're sure she'll say "no."
That's probably why you never hear a gorgeous woman say she wants to run her fingers across a nice bald head.
That's probably why the car salesman never tells you that if you buy the convertible you can enjoy the excitement of the wind blowing across your scalp. And that's probably why they really don't know what to do with you when you go to get your hair cut.
You see there's two places men go to get their hair cut. To an old-fashioned barber shop, in which case you will come out looking bald no matter how you looked going in, or at a hair salon, in which case it doesn't matter how you look when you come out, you're going to be broke.
The funny thing about hair salons is that if you are bald, it costs just as much to get your hair cut as if you go in looking like Tom Jones. Which leads me to believe that either I'm paying to much or everybody else is getting a good deal.
So what brings all this up? Last week my wife announces at dinner that she and our daughter were going to get their hair cut.
"Maybe I should get mine cut too," I said, "it's been a while."
To which my daughter replied, "Naw, save your money for something you need, Dad, you ain't got enough hair to get cut."
If I let her live, she'll be 14 in May. And in only two years after that she'll get her allowance back and be off restriction.
Sometimes it goes on like this for days and days. And then it gets worse.
