The Real Ten Rules to Writing

All the big-shot writers have their ten rules on how to become a big-shot writer.  They're all crap.  Here's the REAL top ten rules of ALL writers: big-shots, medium-shots, or no-shots:

1. Acknowledge you need to write something, you can't help it.  Writing is a disease that you won't die of, but you will die with.  Acknowledging you have it will help you manage the mood swings.
2. Move your laptop to a creative area.  Near snacks.  No snacks, no writing.  Show me a writer without snacks and I'll show you a producer.
3. Admit you have no idea what you're going to write.  Be honest with yourself.  You're going to fail.  Nobody is going to read this crap.  You shouldn't have quit your job.
4. Talk to the cat.  He doesn't have a job either and seems fine with it.
5. Get something to drink.  Coffee's good, if you want to be awake when the writing happens.  Being awake doesn't make it better, though.
6. Recognize you can't write what you don't know and you don't know anything.  At least not anything anyone else wants to read.  It's already all been written.  It's all over the web.
7. Surf the web for two hours looking for it.  You'll know it when you start copy-pasting.
8. Feed the cat.  This won't help in the creative process, but neither does his laying across the keyboard waiting for dinner.
9. Use the first sentence in each paragraph you have copied off the web, limit yourself to 50 lines.  Read each sentence like the opening chapter to a book.  Wad up paper, throw on floor and jump up and down on it yelling, "Print is dead! Print is dead! Print is dead!"
10. Work on your acceptance speech.  It's just a matter of time before you hit.  Hell, anybody can do this.